I’m a midget. Serious. At 4’10 I technically qualify for membership in “Little People of America.” I’d be their queen, but I’m still a midget. That being said, I normally boof guys well over 6 foot tall. Because let’s face it, short guys have issues. And tall guys make me feel “extra dainty.” But since there are short guys who are nailing tall chicks (good for you, Tiny!) and there are plenty of giants who are attracted to wee women, (bless your enormous hearts)…Let’s look at ways to overcome height disparities in the sack.
These are all positions that rock even if you’re not a circus freak couple, too!
Note: The following requires one (1) penis and one (1) vagina. Any other variations and you’re on your own…for now.
Geometry you can use: 90 Degree Angles, they really ARE good for something!
So you’re bored with “Girl on Top, AKA “Cowgirl” or the slightly more exotic “Reverse Cowgirl, AKA “Girl on Top but Looking at His Feet.“ However, you don’t want to get out of bed, either. Not a problem.
(I’m not gonna go into foreplay and shit, here. I’m taking it as a given that He is hard and She is wet. I can’t do everything, people.)
Boy lays on his side facing Girl. Girl is on her back at a 90 degree angle (perpendicular) to him. Scooch up so Tab A (your ding dong) meets Slot B (your hoo hoo). Insert. There are two options at this point. One: Girl throws both her legs over his hips and presses her thighs together to increase tightness and friction as Boy penetrates. This puts her feet against his buttocks, allowing her to increase or maintain pressure and speed. Or: “Scissor” the legs…Her leg nearest his feet goes between his legs, her other leg goes over the top. This way you can both regulate the rhythm by grabbing onto each other’s thighs or waist. Either way includes plenty of access for ball, clit and nipple manipulation. Start thrusting, and repeat until orgasm or bored.
This position also works well if you’re fat or pregnant, but if so, I don’t want to think about you having sex.
As seen in the movies: Wallbanger’s Ball
It seems like every erotic film or slash fiction (Oh, when will Merry and Frodo be together?) involves at least one really hot scene where someone gets the bejesus fucked out of them against a wall. I’ll be honest. I have a really hard time making that work, as when I’m pressed tight to the object of my desire, his dick is in my belly button. And despite what some of my dimmer partners seem to believe, THAT’S NOT WHERE IT GOES.
So here’s the straight facts on wall sex for the vertically challenged:
* Guy needs to be strong enough to lift Girl to where the dink and the chink can meet,
* She needs to be standing on something. (Since wall sex is ideally in some darkly lit but still public place, door steps, curbs, or sleeping hobos work fine.) An alternative? Staircases. Girl can prop a leg up on a higher step, which provides access and support, and takes some of the “Christ I can’t hold her up much longer” burden off of the guy.
*If you’re a short guy humping a tall girl…Hahahahaha! I’m sorry dude, but it’s a funny mental image. I mean, the two of you doing it standing up? Fucking hilarious. Either find shorter girls or a very strong woman who can hold YOU up. Heh. Even then, she’s gonna look like she’s screwing a venquilitrist’s dummy. No offense, man. I’m just sayin’.
Anyway…Onward and upward.
When the moment arrives, you need to be very ready to go. I’ll break my previous rule and say that foreplay is fucking important right now. There’s nothing more frustrating than finally getting all the naughty bits matched up, only to fumble around trying to shove a semi-flaccid penis into an arid vagina. Hopefully you have fingers and tongues (if not, I‘m very sorry), use them FIRST. Timing is important here. Make her a damn slip n’ slide and him a granite rod o’ goodness and then do a quick shift to the vertical happy dance.
After you’re lubed or hard, respectively, it’s time for the fast lift. Guys, you might need to put your arms, not just your hands, under her ass for a kind of a “basket carry“. Once she’s up high enough, move them down a bit so your wrists and hands are under her upper thighs, and get her in the proper position. Girls, help the feller out…Arms around his neck, pushing down on the shoulders, (use the flat of your forearm, NOT the elbow!) and press yourself back HARD against the wall. Hopefully one of you will have the balance and strength to reach down and get the insertion thing going by at this point. After that…Thrust and repeat until you orgasm, fall down, or the night-shift dishwasher catches you by the dumpster during his smoke break.
It will take practice. Good luck to ya’.
Congress of the Crouching Wombat: The Chair Thingy
It’s not all that kinky or outrageous (unless you‘re using a rocking chair, which sounds a lot more fun than it is), but I’m a big fan of “The Chair Thing.” Guy sits on a side less, straight backed chair or stool , Girl faces Guy and straddles him. Tab A, Slot B, insertion, etc. Girl wraps legs around the legs of the chair for traction and grinds away. This position gets the base of the wee-wee right against the thing-that-rhymes-with-Delores and if Boy’s been good this week, Girl can reach behind and under herself for a little testicle tickling action. Good times.
This isn’t a position that works well if he’s got a small penis or if either of you have beer bellies, but once again, if so…I don’t want to think about you having sex. Ideally you should try this if He is a strapping young buck with rock-hard abs and taut buttocks and She’s a willowy gymnast type with a nice rack. Or maybe an Asian chick.
Further ideally, you should videotape it and send it to me.
You know, for my research.