Oh Crap.
I just got back from a long weekend in LA, and I think I broke my liver.
Now I’m not exactly sure what my liver is supposed to do. I know it does something with booze, and considering how much booze I do…I assume it has its hands full. If it has hands. Do livers have hands? Like I said, I’m a little fuzzy on the actual biology.
Anyway, this morning I had evidence that my poor liver has in fact escaped my body, and is currently hitchhiking down a lonely highway, a tiny hobo bindle over its little shoulder.
Backing up a little:
Three days in LA. Much delicious booze consumed with a delicious companion. 13 hours in transit back to Chicago. Several gin and tonics consumed in transit, because transit SUCKS. A few hours sleep before I head to my weekly open mic gig at The Elbo Room. It’s a slow night, and I’m tired. I feel the need to “perk up” a little early, and begin drinking at 9pm, instead of 10:30 (my usual starting time). A couple of Hefe-Wiesen beers. Not doing too shabby. I decide to switch to Long Island Ice Teas, because they are tasty and good. Also because I’m pretty sure I have a death wish.
Long Island Ice Tea
One oz. each:
vodka
tequila
rum
gin
triple sec
Add a little sweet and sour mix, shake well, pour into a glass, then add a splash of cola and a twist of lemon.
If you lined up all that liquor in individual shots, there’s now way in HELL I could down them all. At least not in an upright position. But mix them all up…
I drank 3 of the things.
Somehow I make my way home, call my delicious companion in LA to tell him how much I love him (at least I think I told him that), and then the inevitable collapse into a little, fully-clothed puddle.
And this morning I had the most disturbing bowel movement of my life.
Seriously. It’s disgusting, I know, but…wow. Just, WOW. Shit was literally falling out of me. I can’t figure out how a stomach full of nothing but ramen noodles and candy can produce what was came out of me. And HOW it came out of me. Frightening, really.
Anyway, I’m pretty sure it has something to do with my liver. I think livers have those powers, and the wretched results of this morning are the effects of my liver just throwing up its wee liver hands (I’m still convinced livers have hands) and going “Fuck you, Karla. Fuck you all to hell.”
So anyone know where I can get a new liver? Because I’m pretty sure I’m not supposed to be drinking without one. And right now, I’m totally drinking.
I’m so not looking forward to my next trip to the bathroom.