Taxicab Confessions
I have a feeling I’m a bad tipper to taxi drivers. I always try to round out a buck or two for the fare, but I either do too much, or too little. I wish someone would just TELL me what the appropriate tip is. Whenever I get out of a cab, I either get eternal gratitude and assurance of being the godmother of the next little Achmed or Taniesha, or I get the stink-eye. It’s hopeless.
The other morning I hailed a cab on my way to work, and discovered the price of the flag pull had gone 35 cents higher. At first I thought my driver was trying to rip me off. “I’m no rube!” I nearly yelled, “Not some country hick with no idea of what you’re up to. You’ll feel my wrath as soon as we get to my destination!” (I was already late and figured I’d best deal with this miscreant when we arrived.) Luckily, I noticed the shiny new fare card stuck to the seat divider in front of me, and remembered I’d heard something several months back about fares going up. I just hadn’t noticed until now. What with being incredibly drunk for the past three weeks.
Yes, I’ve been out of it lately.
But here’s what I’ve been up to, completely uncensored, for those of you with a purient interest in the lives of strangers. You sick little puppy, you.
* I have two weeks left in my current apartment, and my job security is nil. It’d be nice to blame my employment woes on a fragile economy, or inept management, but quite frankly, I have been a bad employee. I have an attitude problem. Knowing that the clock is ticking on regular income or shelter, you’d think I’d be beating the pavement, looking for a second job and an apartment. Or at least you’d think that if you assumed I was an intelligent go-getter. I am not an intelligent go-getter. I have an attitude problem. Also my procrastination knows no bounds. This has never been more evident than when:
* I pissed my bed 2 weeks ago. Drunk, drunk, drunk, passed out half naked, and apparently at some point in the night decided that the bathroom, a mere 10 feet from my bed, was simply too far to walk. You’d think that after such an embarrassing event, I would immediately strip the sheets from my bed, do some laundry, and swear off the bottle. But once again, you’re assuming (you certainly do assume a lot) that I’m not the type of person who would blearily scooch over to the dry side of the bed, pass out until the sheets air dried, and then sleep in a pee bed for the next 2 weeks. As I write this, I am sitting in a pee bed. I am a disgusting person. Which is quite evident when you realize:
* I went all last week without showering, and left the house only for furtive trips to buy cigarettes and beer. You’d think that with my job and living situation, I’d be trying to save money, and would eschew such frivilities, but once again, that’s you assuming I’m not a TOTAL FUCKING MORON.
I could go on, but you get the point. I’m barely employed, soon to be homeless, and I’m sitting in a pee bed. I’ve spent the past few weeks doing nothing but drinking and reading www.televisionwithoutpity.com relentlessly. I barely even watch TV, but for some reason I’ve been obsessed with their recaps of C.S.I. At this point, I have read over a hundred painfully detailed episode play-by-plays for a show I don’t even watch.
Life is grand, let me tell you.
On the good side, I’ve got a fellow who seems to think I’m keen, and tells me I’m pretty even when he’s staring at the living epitome of human filth. I have some friends who’ll be making sure my sorry ass isn’t exposed to the elements, and I’ll be attempting to NOT pee on their couches as I “get back on my feet.” And while I may be sitting in a pee bed (I just really find the phrase “pee bed” amusing. Say it out loud. C’mon. Pee bed.), I am also enjoying a cold beverage of an adult nature, and life doesn’t seem too impossible.
Also, I’ve been playing around with Photoshop, and I’ve written a comic. It’ll be up this week, with new episodes twice weekly or until I get tired of it, and go back to drinking and surfing the net all day.
So I give it a week. But check it out anyway. If you get a chance.
Don’t forget to tip your driver.