“We would like to welcome Jeffrey Michael Docherty to the world! Born 9/14/14, 7lbs 5oz, Mother is feeling trapped and regrets dropping out of grad school, Baby is doing great!”
“Alicia and Dave are pretending they are overjoyed to announce the birth of their beautiful daughter, “Dave refused to pull out when he was drunk.” Baby is doing great!
“Hey everyone, Dakota Rose was born at 3am today! Dad Steve hates the name and asks if Lisa wants their daughter to be a stripper! Mom Lisa says Steve can fuck off after that shit he pulled at the Fourth of July bbq! Baby is doing great!”
“Caryn Smith-Terrance and Paul Mantini begrudgingly welcome Natalie Marie to their previously perfect life and oh shit why didn’t we think this through, even the dogs are an imposition half the time. Christ, Caryn, I told you to end it. Baby is doing great! Unfortunately.”
“We were so blessed to shepherd Love Treefriend Sunchild into the planet at 11:45pm last night. This astral spririt of deliberately and annoyingly obscured gender will change it’s name to Robert and never speak to us again in approximately 14 years! Child of the universe is doing great!”
“Xander Ross Gordon delayed his parent’s divorce by three months this morning! Baby is doing great!”