Under The Wagon

Things I figured out less than a third of the way into each of the Earthsea books

Earthsea 1 :  Yeah, the dark force he’s chasing is HIMSELF the whole time.

Earthsea 2:  Ged’s gonna show up halfway through to get that fucking ring back.

Earthsea 3:  He’s the king.  Not a big secret.  We get it.

Earthsea 4: She’s a dragon.

Earthsea Dragonfly:  She’s a dragon, too.  Also, guy wizards are dicks.

Earthsea 5:  Haven’t gotten to it yet…but based purely on LeGuin’s inability to create any sort of surprise ending, I’m guessing a female character, who may or may not be a dragon, will end up becoming Archmage of Atuan only after proving herself to a bunch of wizards who are dicks.  Possibly involving the guy who SHOCKINGLY turned out to be king.

Did I get it right?  Close?

I’ve read some short story collections from Ursula K. LeGuin over the years, and generally enjoyed them (especially the freaky gender-bending sexy ones).  Recently a kindly benefactor loaded Jay and me up with a METRIC SHIT TON of science fiction books, and I finally had the opportunity to read some of the longer series I’d avoided in the past.  Now I love sci-fi and fantasy, but I’m also a cheap bastard who cringes in front of a bookstore shelf when I realize if I actually like the book I’m considering getting, I’ll still have to buy 20 more.  So a free set of the critically acclaimed Earthsea Chronicles?  Sign me up!  Though I quickly found that it doesn’t take long in any of the books before you’re shouting at the characters like my mother at a murder-mystery dinner theater - “It was THAT guy!  The one with the bloody knife in his hand!  He’s the killer!”

Of course, I’m gonna feel like a fool if the whole Earthsea Chronicles were supposed to be a Harry Potter type thing.  You know, “written for children, but adults can enjoy them too.”  Or otherwise intentionally not too challenging, or involving large words and plot twists that aren’t completely apparent after reading the first 10 pages.  Perhaps written for science fiction fans who have recently experienced catastrophic head trauma?  Does the series come in a pop-up version as well?

 But hey, for all my bitching, I obviously read the fucking things.  And my petty sniping aside, I know I’ll continue reading LeGuin.

 After all, I really do love those ones with the 4-way bisexual marriages and the hermaphrodite aliens that live in a sex house once a month.  That’s some good shit right there.

Tags: Essays, Manifestos, & Unsolicited Opinions by Karla Pacheco
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Former Prison Colony to Institute National Internet Filter

It’s not that I love child rape, or pictures of child rape, or swapping pictures of child rape with like-minded child rape enthusiasts.*  I tend to think child rapists would benefit from the intervention of government officials who could possibly convince them to cut back on all the child raping, or failing that, at least keep them away from places where children are likely to be found, and thus available to be raped.  I nominate “the most uncomfortable level of hell”as an excellent place to keep these folk away from said rapeable children.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way… 

While I expect China to crack down on petty things like freedom of information and civil rights (c’mon, they’re fucking CHINA), I was pretty surprised to hear about widespread censorship coming from Australia - what with its reputation for rowdy, Foster-fueled shenanigans, Kangaroo-based athletics, and predilection for butt-sex.***

When Left4Dead2 came out Australia got all squeamish about the effect of your standard chainsaw on your regulation Zombie, surprising for a country that invented crocodile-head-stabbing.  Perhaps the Australian outback is populated by badass REAL MEN  who do awesome things with their BARE HANDS - but they’re sure as hell governed by the type of shrieking “Who will think of the CHILDREN???” political hacks that make Tipper Gore moist in her PMRC pantsuit.

Here’s the problem when government tries to treat its adult constituents like children: They’re treating adults like children.  In Australia, no matter your age, psychological profile, or the amount of Fosters you can put away in a single weekend (if you can still count the cans, you’re doing it wrong), it’s illegal to buy a game that wouldn’t be suitable for a 15 year old. The Australian rating system doesn’t allow for anything higher than that for video games. Think about that for a minute.  Perfectly normal, tax-paying, god-fearing, ass-fucking 18-100+ year old Australians are not allowed to choose what games they buy or play (and soon, what internet sites to visit) unless it is something that would not be offensive or “corrupting” to anyone under the age of 15.

Internet filters can be useful when used by parents, or even your boss (this site is banned by many a fine employer, preventing you from wasting valuable work time on my potty-mouthed ways, and good for them).  Parents and employers - presumably (hopefully) ADULTS - should have a choice in what is allowed at their home and workplace.  But governments wholesale blocking anything “they” consider obscene or potentially criminal for the entire population?  No.  NO.  We elect our representatives to represent us, not to be our nannies, or our mothers, or our conscience.

Here’s the big problem with internet filters - My incessant references to child rape in this rant (not to mention my accusations that all Australians are sobbing, prissy-panted sodomites) should have any prospective Aussie web filters blocking this site toot sweet.  But rape counseling websites say “child rape” too.  So do news sites like the Associated Press.  So do web forums that really hate Michael Bay.  And so will the 100 actual child raping pornographic websites that pop up immediately after you use your “selective blacklist” to delete the first one you find. 

Child pornography is already illegal, and prosecutable under current laws.  Do I want a bunch of baby-rapin’ websites out there?  God no.  Will filters prevent a bunch of sick assholes from swapping files, or committing crimes?  Not in the slightest.  Go after the bastards that are producing and using the stuff.   Go after them smartly, and dedicate your time, money and effort into catching criminals, not parenting law-abiding, full-grown adults “just in case.”

Don’t throw the bathwater out with the rape-baby.  That’s all I’m saying.

And a tip of the hat to my husband, Jay Pinkerton - writer on Left4Dead2, and co-creator of Saxton Hale.  Between the two of us, we will NEVER be allowed to visit Australia.

—— 

*Man, this post is gonna do wonders for my google searches**

**Hello Mr. FBI Agent!  Please do not send Miss America to trick me into thinking she’s my sexy new friend.

***This is based solely on personal experience with the Australian rugby player I went out with once.**** I was gonnna make some bad puns about “down under” but I’ll cut to the chase and just say AUSTRALIANS ARE OBSESSED WITH TRYING TO GET INTO YOUR BUTT.

****Though, come to think of it, he might have been from New Zealand.  Either way, I’ll stand by my original sentiment: AUSTRALIANS WANT TO PUT THINGS IN YOUR ANUS.

Tags: Essays, Manifestos, & Unsolicited Opinions by Karla Pacheco
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…and writes a book about it.

Despite spending the past two years in the city that invented free-trade-faux-hipster-froo-froo-fuckin’ coffee drinks, I don’t really care for Starbucks.  That’s not because I’ve got some “stick it to the man!” anti-corporate sentiment.  Although I do think Starbucks’ recent “we’re not really Starbucks” business plan might be the height of douchbaggery.  

 I just don’t like coffee.

On the rare occasions I buy a coffee, I tend to order some triple mocha, extra steamed milk, lots of whipped cream and caramel concoction that essentially has no actual coffee in it at all.  Even that only happens maybe twice a year.

That said,  Byrant Simon’s new book “Everything but the Coffee: Learning about America from Starbucks” has me asking: Are you serious?  Not wanting to talk to total fucking strangers while waiting for a latte isn’t exactly a new (nor an unreasonable) concept.  Simon has clearly romanticized some fictional ”good ol’ days” when spontaneous debate and compelling conversations just popped up in every library and public park - “I was walking the dog when this homeless guy started sharing all these great insights on Schopenhauer.  That’s why I’m both late for dinner and reeking of urine!”

I mean, I don’t think this imagined community of stirring intellectualism happened even before the internet and/or Starbucks came along.  Maybe you got something close to it back when newspapers only came out once a year, and the entire town  had to share one, but even then, I think most of the “debates and conversations” were along the lines of “you done with that nice thin piece of paper?” followed by a meaningful look at the town outhouse.

Basically, it sounds like Simon’s entire book is “People are surfing the internet instead of talking to me!  If I ran a coffee shop I wouldn’t let them do that!” 

“And he conceded he probably won’t open his own coffee shop. But he said he knows what would make a good one. “People want these conversations, people want to feel connected,” he said. “I’m pretty sure about that.”

No. 

Just…no.  Sorry.  People want a fucking cup of coffee and a wifi connection.  Maybe they want a hot barista in tight black pants, too.  But they definitely don’t want some desperate creepy dude trying to talk to them while they’re sending out resumes or waiting for an 8 dollar froo-froo coffee drink.

I don’t think they ever did.  And that’s nothing to blame on Starbucks, no matter how douchebaggy they might occasionally be.

Tags: Essays, Manifestos, & Unsolicited Opinions, General Musings by Karla Pacheco
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New York Times reporter escapes Taliban compound after seven months in captivity

 Bad-ass reporter tells Huffington Post link-monkeys to suck it

With newspapers all over the country folding daily (pun…apologized for) or becoming online only web-link aggregate sites, it has to feel good for the staff of the embattled New York Times to show there are some things bloggers can’t do.  Like scale the wall of a Taliban outpost in Pakistan after being held hostage for almost a year.  I mean, I’m sure they’re equally glad to have reporter David Rohde back safely, but this is a pretty nice argument for “traditional news reporting is still relevant.”  Let’s be fair, newspapers aren’t just going under because the internet ruins everything (though it does), but because investigative journalism is EXPENSIVE.  It’s far cheaper to have a couple of web-guys collect and comment on news stories that someone else paid to dig up.

You know, like I’m doing now.  Didn’t cost me a thing but a domain name and my utterly worthless time.

Two things about the story impressed me.  One, that media outlets kept a cover on the story for seven months, lest the publicity endanger Rhode’s life, or a rescue attempts.  Two, that David Rohde is fucking BAD-ASS.  According to the story, “Rohde knew the reporting trip would be dangerous and that his editors would likely not allow him to make it. So he sent his editors an e-mail that he knew they would receive too late to stop the trip.”  This isn’t even the first time the guy’s been kidnapped in search of a story - in ’96 he was taken prisoner by Serbian officials who accused him of being a spy, and tortured for 10 days.  Screw Wolf Blitzer running around in a flak jacket, Rohde is the real Rambo of journalism.

Anyway, welcome home, sir.  I’m sure you’ll have a hell of a story to tell. 

Tags: Essays, Manifestos, & Unsolicited Opinions, General Musings by Karla Pacheco
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Apparently fast food chain El Pollo Loco has been taking the piss out of KFC’s new “grilled” chicken because the recipe includes “beef powder” and rendered beef fat.  To which I say: Why else would anyone eat it?  Chicken sucks.

Know what most of this tastes like?  Nothing.

Here’s the deal, and I don’t know if anyone else has realized this…but chicken tastes like sawdust’s ass.  I appreciate that chicken farts don’t cause catastrophic global climate change like our gassy, grassy and delicious friends, the pig and cow, but my tastebuds don’t really care about the environment.  The most prized part of the chicken, the super-good-for-you, skinless, untouched, virgin breast -  that shit’s utterly tasteless.

My husband and I have had this debate many a time.  We’ll go to an Indian/Mexican/Cajun/Moroccan restaurant and have a delicious meal made of the worst parts of the animal available.  I will insist it’s a triumph of cuisine, developed and tested by centuries of poor ethnic people having to make do with the worst cuts of meat, but hey, those are actually the most flavorful, and they’re supremely spiced and marinated.  Jay declares Tandoori chicken would be awesome if only it was made with premium chicken breast, despite the fact that breast-meat wouldn’t stand up to the heat of a Tandoor (500+ degrees, motherfucker!) and is so utterly bland it will dry out if you even look at it wrong.  I’m not opposed to the occasional piece of dark meat (multiple entendre!), since at least that has a little bit of fat to add flavor.  But overall, chicken’s just…blah.  Why wouldn’t you smother it in beef fat if you wanted people to actually, you know…eat and enjoy it?

I will certainly agree that KFC may have been deceptive in presenting their grilled chicken as a healthier option to their usual heart attacks in a bowl  - fried chicken on top of mashed potatoes covered in cheese AND gravy?  Delicious, ingenious even, but for fuck’s sake we’re a nation of goddamn fatties…C’MON!

I am your deep-fried gravy dreamboat

Though I also think if you’re retarded enough to think anything at a fast-food restaurant is actually healthy for you, you deserve to die of heart disease.  For chrissake, the grilled chicken sandwich at McDonald’s has more calories than the Quarter Pounder or the Hot Fudge Sundae.  Also, it doesn’t taste as good, because it is NOT MADE OF BEEF.

Instead of mocking KFC for adding beef to their chicken, El Pollo Loco should have been taking a page from them.  “All our chicken is bathed in beef fat for at least a week, then wrapped in 6 layers of succulent bacon!”  That would have had me camping out in their drive-up, toot sweet.  And I don’t even own a car.

As it is, I’m just thinking they’re jealous they didn’t think of it first.

Tags: Essays, Manifestos, & Unsolicited Opinions, General Musings by Karla Pacheco
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Scientists awaken 120,000 year old frozen microbe 

Seriously, have we learned nothing from “28 Days Later,” or “Left 4 Dead?”  

The new bacteria species was found nearly 2 miles (3 km) beneath a Greenland glacier, where temperatures can dip well below freezing, pressure soars, and food and oxygen are scarce.   “We don’t know what state they were in,” said study team member Jean Brenchley of Pennsylvania State University. “They could’ve been dormant, or they could’ve been slowly metabolizing, but we don’t know for sure.”

Know what I know for sure?  That scientists are pretty goddamn trigger-happy about defrosting ancient bacteria before they even know what the thing does.  Devour human tissue?  Give dinosaurs a cold?  Make your dick fall off?  Who cares!  The important thing is that we’re popping this fucker in the microwave for 7 months just to see what happens.

“Microbes have found ways to survive in harsh conditions for long times that we don’t yet fully understand,” Brenchley told LiveScience.

The key phrase here is “we don’t yet fully understand.” That’s what scientists usually say right after the Space Marine returns to Earth with super-human intelligence, and right before he impregnates his wife with the Alien Anti-christ.

The resulting colonies of the originally purple-brown bacteria, now named Herminiimonas glaciei, are alive and well.  “We were able to recover it and get it to grow in our laboratory,” Brenchley said. “It was viable.”

So not only are they defrosting the thing, now they’re GROWING MORE OF THEM.  Six months from now, if we end up dreaming fondly of the days of Swine Flu because Hermione Glacier has caused world-wide zombie apocalypse, we’ll all know who to blame: 

SCIENCE

It’s like the old saying goes, “let sleeping microbes lie, lest they awaken with a terrible and insatiable hunger for man-flesh.”

I’ll be in the bunker until someone puts those suckers back in the deep-freeze next to the Otter Pops.

[side note:  If this thing turns out to cure cancer, pretend I didn’t say any of the shit above.  Thanks!]

Tags: Essays, Manifestos, & Unsolicited Opinions, General Musings by Karla Pacheco
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