The Real Demise of Dumbledore
“In front of a full house of hardcore Potter fans at Carnegie Hall in New York, J.K. Rowling, sitting on the stage on a red velvet and carved wood throne, read from her seventh and final book, “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows,” then took questions. One fan asked whether Albus Dumbledore, the head of the famed Hogwarts School of Wizardry and Witchcraft, had ever loved anyone. Rowling smiled. “Dumbledore is gay, actually,” replied Rowling as the audience erupted in surprise. She added that, in her mind, Dumbledore had an unrequited love affair with Gellert Grindelwald, Voldemort’s predecessor who appears in the seventh book.” - Newsweek, Oct. 19th, 2007
A flurry of shrieking bells echoed through the darkened halls of Hogwarts in the midst of a bleak and blustery October night. Deep within the castle’s highest turret, a wizened hand reached for gargoyle adorned telephone.
“Hrmph…yes? This is Albu-”
“D! We’ve got big problems, friend.”
“Who is this? It’s the middle of the bloody night, you know.”
“D! Big D. Biiig daddy D! It’s Larry, your lawyer.”
“I’m sorry young sir, I don’t recall enlisting a solicitor.”
“Solicit her? I swear to god that girl was 15!”
“…”
“Hah ha, just jerking your beard there, Dumbly, I know that’s what you pudding munchers “across the pond” call us legal-beagles. I’m Larry Goldstein, the lawyer the studio assigned to your affairs when that J.T. broad bought the rights to your life story. Anyway, speaking of pudding munching…we got a prob, honcho.”
“I’m not quite sure what you’re talking about, but if you’re referring to Madame Rowland, yes, I allowed the lady in question to chronicle some of the more exciting chapters of our hallowed halls. I enjoyed her tales most immensely, despite her rather fetching liberties (my premature death for one, ha ha), and found some of her insights illuminous en extremus.”
“Right. Very extremus. Anyway, she outed you about 45 minutes ago.”
“What the…”Outed?”
“Listen, have you ever heard the term “in perpetuity?”
“Certainly, “Ano Perpetuitum” while rarely used, is an impressive spell which may extend an avatar, that is to say a likeness or embodiment of the user for centuries, coming from the old Latin for - ”
“It comes from the old Latin for “We own your ass, and we’d like to protect it.” So I need you to be up front with me. Just how many little wizard robes have you looked under?”
“I BEG YOUR PARDON! This is an outrage sir!”
“No, what’s an outrage is some snarky bitch on a book tour telling the whole world which way your wand waves, especially when we’ve still got two more pics in production. And we were banking on Dumbledore being all man, baby. We had plans. “Dumbledore vs. Snape: Final Countdown,” “Dumbledore and Jackie Chan vs. The Death Eaters: This Time It’s Personal.” Incredible, right? We’ve already got action figure prototypes on Mattel’s desk. And there’s a lot more where that comes from, I assure you, but not for somebody the American public thinks might be a little light in the magical…whatever magic shoes you people wear.”
“By the sword of Gryffindor, I simply have no idea what you’re talking about, young man.”
“Oh yeah, you were part of that whole “sword” frat. A bit too phallic for my taste, I’m more of a Hufflepuff man, if you get my drift…huff that puff, am I right? Hooya! Anyway, we gotta spin this thing and fast. It’s already been rocking the AP for an hour now. By Monday this is gonna be outta control, unless we get lucky and somebody bombs U.S. soil over the weekend. Say, you don’t have a spell for that do you? Some sort of Terrium McMassive, say?”
“Terrium McMassive? The spell to build large bodies of land quickly? It’s quite an advanced piece of magic, I’m not sure -”
“Forget it. What we’re looking for here is damage control. What’s the deal with this Grindywalk?”
“Grindewald? Gellert was my dearest friend for a time, a bright and shining young man. So charismatic. We thought we were going to take over the wizarding world, until that terrible day when he betrayed all that was most precious. I don’t think I ever quite overcame such a traumatic loss - ”
“Right, betrayal and all, that sucks. So were you two doing it or not?”
“Doing…”
“IT. Were you waxing his cauldron? Poking your wand into his goblet of fire? C’mon, if you’re straight with me, and I use that term lightly, I might be able to make this all go away.”
“I refuse to sully the deep, albeit ultimately tragic relationship Gellert and I shared with these base accusations.”
“Listen, D, we’re about two hours away from some pissed off mudblood crying that her freak kid got brainwashed into a school that said it was training wizards when it was really converting fairies, so let’s deal. Whatta ya’ got on the Potter kid? He come on to you first?”
“I…my god. What is wrong with you?”
“No god about it, or whatever it is you pagans worship. We’re in some deep fucking shit here, and I’m trying to make sure you’re a sustainable investment for the next four years. Let’s talk deep cover. The McGonagall chick, is she down?”
“Professor McGonagall is an exceptional teacher, and Hogwarts is privileged to have her.”
“That’s great. Will she take 20 large to claim you’re an excellent lover and a hippogriff in the sack?”
“Minerva would never…”
“Okay, right, fraternizing with the troops, no good. Any other witchy types willing to pony up that your robe isn’t really pink? No? What else do we have going here? Whatcha working on right now?”
“Well, I’ve been talking to some fine gentlemen from the Southern Continents about expanding my efforts into the field of acting. They said I’d be a natural for a role they had in mind.”
“Mmm, little fruity, but doable, if it’s something with lots of explosions and titties. What’s the project?”
“Playing Gandalf in “The Hobbit.”
“Oy vey. No. We can’t have you prancing around with a bunch of furry little kids, not now. This is me, Larry, your trusted attorney, saying you can not do this thing.”
“Again, sir, I must stress that I have never met you, much less heard of you, before this most unexpected, and might I say, unwelcome conversation.”
“I hear what you are saying, Albie, and I respect the place where you are coming from, but I need you to understand that you…being that way…is a non-starter for anything that shows you tenderly guiding anyone under 18. Much less hairy young boys called “Pippin” and “Merry Candyfuck.”
“From the script I was messengered, I do not believe there are any characters by those names in the moving picture you are referring to. Also, whether or not I am, as you ever so charmingly put it, ”that way,” there is no connection to being “that way” and being a paederast. In fact, it’s proven that far more heterosexuals have inflicted that type of utterly unthinkable affront than-”
“Okay, listen D. I will fix this. I KNOW things about Rowlings. Awful, dirty, horrendous things. We have people for this. We can make this go away.”
“I must insist that I do not have anything to apologize for.”
“Of course you don’t. You just accidentally converted a bunch of mentally unstable pre-teens to some voodoo philosophy fraught with illicit symbolism. Rocket powered broomsticks, limber willow wands, golden snitches, and all that.”
“I must again state that I have done nothing wrong. My personal life is my own, and I truly resent these insinuations, Mr….”
“Goldstein. Larry Goldstein.”
“…Really? Is that Jewish? Because you should know I totally hate Jews.”
“Ohh boy.”
“In fact, my editorial on the evil that is Israel is coming out in next week’s “Goblin Times.” It should be the very thing to expose those money grubbing big-noses for the charlatans they are!”
“Okay, could you hold on a sec? Hey, Cheryl? Can you make up some coffee? This is gonna be a long night.”