Melody knows that Ben Affleck would totally fall in love with her.
Sure, there was J. Lo and Minnie Driver, and Gwyneth, but there was also that girl back in Boston…A sales rep, or something like that. Melody’s read the articles about Ben’s search for “a normal relationship.” She knows he’s worried about his celebrity scaring off regular girls. Melody knows she’s perfect for Ben Affleck.
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“May blessings fill our home” “Make a joyful noise!”
Jeff was waiting for his microwave popcorn to finish popping. He pulled a couple of extra paper towels off the roll - he hated that feeling of greasy salt against his hands when he reached into the bag - while he patiently awaited the digital countdown.
“Friendship is our most precious gift, to Bestow and Receive”
He’d never paid any attention to the paper towels before. He assumed the receptionist (”Office Assistant,” gotta remember to call them “Office Assistants.” And NEVER “secretaries.”) re-stocked them in the kitchen as needed. This week she’d supplied towels with inspirational sayings swirling across them in pastel ribbons.
“Feast from the banquet of Life!”
Jeff was eating microwave popcorn because, while at 80 cents it was the most expensive item in the vending machine, it was also the most filling. If he had a bag now, and another before heading home at 5:30, he’d be good for the night. He’d done this every day for the past two weeks.
“Rejoice in the Love surrounding You!”
He still hadn’t figured out how to cook since Deb left. She always eschewed pre-packaged dinners and frozen pizzas. Jeff had no idea what to do with a kitchen full of porcini mushrooms and risotto. He wasn’t even sure what risotto was, exactly. Sometimes he wondered if he’d known what risotto was (or did?), maybe she wouldn’t have been so frustrated all the time…He knew she wasn’t happy, but…Still. He’d tried.
Hadn’t he?
“Life is an abundant Symphony!” “May our Hearts be always Full”
Lost in the fluttering sentiments of the Office Assistant’s choice in paper products, Jeff didn’t hear the microwave herald its triumphant “ding.” His head jerked up as the scent of charred kernels reached his nostrils. He just stood there for a moment, swallowing hard.
Without looking, Jeff crumpled the wad of paper towels into the waiting trash can. Some previously lunching co-worker had left a pile of flimsy deli napkins on the table.
They would do.
Well darlings, I’ve made my list and checked it twice, and I’ve found far more houses that were naughty than nice…Here is this year’s list of Christmust-nots!
2245 N. Sheffield is nothing more than an O’ holy nightmare! Poorly strung lights, giant illuminated teddy bears, and 5 Santas that bark carols…If this ho-ho-horror was MY only option, I would have slept in the stable, too.
Little drummer boring is all I have to say about the Anderson house on Western. A single strand of white lights around the window and a wilting wreath on the door? “Blah-Humbug!”
We go dashing throughh the “NO!” at the corner of Cornelia and Damen…This Jingle Hell left me cold with mismatched lights that barely went half way up the trees they were supposed to cover. Oh TannenBLECH! Either deck the halls to the wall or don’t bother.
These grinches have certainly confirmed that 2004 “‘Tis the season to be tacky…”
And as for the Rosenbaums in Lakeview…All I can say is you’ve turned this Festival of Lights into a HanuKAN’T!
“What do you mean, you’ve always dreamed about being a Navy Seal? I’ve always dreamed about being a Navy Seal!!!”
Two drinks later.
“Yeah, I think it’s probably a lot harder to stab someone than it looks. And I worry that I wouldn’t be able to really debilitate them with that first stab. The first stab is important.”
Three drinks, half a pack of Newport Lights.
“Hey, I don’t have bad self-esteem, I just really like cock.”
Ten songs selected on jukebox. Another pack of Newport Lights
“Well, I mean…if the homeless don’t want people dousing them with gasoline, they should stay in a shelter, right? Hey, are you done with that? Ya’ wanna get outta here? Sweet.”