“Pass the salt?”

I grab the salt like it’s a barbell and FLEX my massive biceps

“This salt?”

“Now could you clean up all the salt?”

I leap into a body building pose, popping my guns as I point at the salt all over the floor

“THIS salt?”

“Goddamnit Karla, you’ve gone to the gym ONCE”

“And now YOU’RE going to the GUNSHOW!”

We are driving around in the car, listening to the radio

“I went swimming yesterday.”

“Good for you.”

“…Hmph. This is a stupid song. I’m…just gonna change the station.”

I look Jay straight in the eye as I stretch my arm towards the radio…and then…FLEX

“HOLY SHIT! Keep your eyes on the road!”

“YOU NEVER WANT TO GO TO MY GUNSHOW!”

Jay finally figures out it’s better to go to the damn gunshow

“Here’s your coffee.”

“OH MY GOD, LOOK AT THOSE GUNS!”

I know he’s patronizing me, but I’m taking it. FLEX!

*The other drawbacks are obvious, well documented, and legion.

What did the Royal Rabbit need after the Knight jerked off onto him?

SIR CUM FUR RINSE!

How did the Knight’s Semen find its way through his Testicles onto the Royal Rabbit’s lustrous coat?

IT SIR CUM NAVIGATED!

What position was the Knight standing in as he rhythmically pumped his throbbing Erection, his testes pulling tight, legs shaking, the Orgasm building deep in his loins as the pressure mounted…until with a powerful shudder and a gasp of Ecstasy he released his seed in a hot, delicious flood against the Royal Rabbit?

HIS SIR CUM STANCE!

How Big was the patch of Sticky Fur the Knight left on the Royal Rabbit?

SIR CUM SIZED!

Who wrote up the Orders of Execution when the King figured out who was Last Seen by the Ejaculate covered Royal Rabbit?

THE SIR CUM SCRIBE!

-FIN-

Art generously curated by Karen’s Whimsy, presumably for the use of not awful people who aren’t me.

Dear Ms. Pacheco,

We regret to inform you we must reject your proposed Kickstarter Project [$635.56 For A Personalized Satin Jacket Like the Nice Chest Guy had in Drive] We do not currently have a [Jay’s being a little bitch and won’t buy it for me] category.

Acceptable project categories are Art, Comics, Dance, Design, Fashion, Film, Food, Games, Music, Photography, Publishing, Technology, and Theater. However, we realize guidelines are never perfect, and we care deeply about trying to get them right. If you think [Jay’s being a little bitch and won’t buy it for me] is a category we should reconsider, please fill out the attached appeal form. Kickstarter relies on voices like yours to help us protect the health and creative spirit of Kickstarter for the long term.

Thanks for reading!
The Kickstarter Team

Dear Ms. Pacheco,

We’re glad you took the time to fill out our appeal form so thoroughly. While changing your category submission to “Fashion, I guess” is certainly a step in the right direction, the Kickstarter team had several concerns:

• Instead of a promotional video, you submitted the movie “Drive” in its entirety. This violates both our copyrighted materials restrictions, and our suggested video length.
• Your $200 Reward Tier: “I will look at a list of names while wearing my new jacket and maybe your name is on that list, who knows?” does not technically violate our guidelines, but it should be more specific. At the very least, you should mention how long you will be looking at the list, and how many names will be on it.
• The $1271.12 Push Goal “I will buy a second jacket, probably blue” is unclear. It didn’t appear that any of the reward tiers included a jacket for backers, despite your extremely graphic two-page description of “crazy loco scorpion” embroidery.

Finally, Kickstarter is a crowdfunding source to help YOU CREATE the ARTISTIC VISION of YOUR DREAMS. We do not allow funding for third party sources such as “Spencer’s Gifts” or “Maybe my cousin Vanessa, though she kind of fucked up my prom dress.”

Have you tried visiting our “Kickstarter School?” It’s packed with tips and tricks to define your Kickstarter Project. We also recommend looking at some of our top Kickstarters to see what makes a project a success!

Best of Luck!
The Kickstarter Team

Dear Ms. Pacheco

We have reviewed your Kickstarter proposal “Cures Tit Cancer or Something” and we find it highly unlikely the cure for breast cancer “was apparently in my basement the whole time and I forgot about it,” or that it will cost you only “$635.56 to mail it out to all the cancer titties.”

-KS

PARADE PISSER: Falling Skies and Sugar Crashes

Despite rarely going to an actual movie theater anymore (I love pause buttons and pooping in my own bathroom) I could not wait for Wreck-It Ralph and Skyfall to hit theaters. Two of the most highly anticipated movies of the year opened to rave reviews, critical acclaim, and ecstatic tweets from all my friends. For once I was happily in line opening weekend, grubby hands full of popcorn, heart full of hope, eyes so full of wonder…

I hated them.

WRECK-IT RALPH BULLSHIT CANDY MOVIE

One third of this poster is accurate

Oh man, I was excited for this one. The trailer! Where we get to see all the different video game characters and the villain support group and the grand central station where you can go to EVERY video game world and oh my god this is gonna be amazing and funny and wonderful and John C. Reilly and Jane Lynch and Jack McBreyer and WOW!

That part was indeed great.  It was also only the first 10 minutes of the film, before it abandoned video games entirely for the Pepto-Bismal pink bullshit candy world of “Sugar Rush.” Instead of Mario and Lara Croft we get Laffy Taffy and Sarah Silverman telling doody jokes. Now, I like a good poo joke as much, if not considerably more, than the next guy…but these weren’t jokes. This was Sarah Silverman saying the word “Doody” three times and a background artist patting himself on the back for a Nesquicksand pun.

For the record, yes, I cried during Wreck-It Ralph. We all cried. Multiple times. But I have seasonal affective disorder, so I right now I cry during yogurt commercials, at stop signs, and when I run out of batteries.  

The only thing missing from this movie was John C. Reilly yelling “Go on boy, get out of here! I don’t want you anymore!” while releasing a dog into the woods (though he does the equivalent by smashing Vanellope’s race car…to save her life!). It’ll make me cry every time, but I’ll be mad about it, because it’s emotionally manipulative and a cheap trick. Especially when it’s tacked onto a big pink checklist of Hollywood storylines: loner must find himself, adorable child, betrayal, redemption, twist ending, power was inside you all along, etc, etc. It’s paint-by-numbers…with candy!

A few “internet friends” seemed surprised I expected something less formulaic from a children’s movie. UNFOLLOWED! Plenty of animated films are clever, heartfelt , funny and original. Disney certainly managed it before (The Incredibles, Toy Story, Ratatouille, Up).

Wreck-It Ralph has moments of brilliance and it’s not a bad movie  – Every scene with Jane Lynch’s Space Marine and Jack McBreyer’s Fix-it Felix is great, and John C. Reilly does his best with the material. But I went to the theater ready to fall in love with a GREAT movie about video games, and instead I was forced to watch a generic movie about name-brand candy.

[Side Note: In international markets, Wreck-It Ralph was renamed “Sugar Rush.” Japan loves both video games and candy, but clearly demands accuracy when it comes to differentiating between the two.]

SKYFALL = ROSEBUD

James Bond in…GARDENSTATE!

When you heard the new Bond movie was gonna be called “Skyfall,” I bet you were all “Ooh, I wonder what kind of crazy Russian plot that’s code for!” Apparently that would have been too awesome. Skyfall is instead the name of Bond’s childhood home where his parents died tragically, turning James Bond into some sort of sad-pants emo Spider-Man.

Of course, we only find out why he’s all emo sad-pants dead-parents Spider-man after several exhausting hours, during which James Bond stands by while an innocent person is shot in the head on TWO separate occasions. Presumably he was too busy trying to remember Dashboard Confessional lyrics to give a shit about preventing MURDER. Oh, and he also fucks off to act like drunk Superman in Bermuda because Moneypenny shot him off a bridge.

Superhero references are especially apt, because director Sam Mendes’ version of James Bond can’t decide if Bond is an Ubermensch who takes a bullet to the chest without flinching, adjusts his cufflinks and keeps chasing terrorists (as he does in the first scene), or a tortured soul who doesn’t care about terrorism because he’s forever haunted by that time he got shot in the chest.

Mendes made a movie that looks like a Bond film -  even the old Aston Martin complete with ejector seat and machine gun headlamps makes a cameo – without any of the classic Bond charm or excitement. Sean Connery, Roger More, Pierce Brosnan, and even mole-man Timothy Dalton made it seem FUN to be James Bond. Daniel Craig looks like banging exotic women and high speed chases are a chore, cutting into his valuable moping time.

The only person enjoying himself in Skyfall is Javier Bardem, chewing scenery like the set designer was Willy Wonka (perhaps on loan from Wreck-It Ralph?). Critics were enthralled with Bardem’s performance as flaming bisexual who nearly fellates Bond in his first appearance…I was too distracted by his shitty Party City wig and bleached eyebrows to notice. And I straight up burst out laughing when Bardem’s villain shows up in a clear plexiglass prison deep in the belly of MI6…Dude’s not MAGNETO, you fucking morons.

The lone surprise of the movie was discovering it was only two hours and 20 minutes long. Sitting in the theater, bored, wanting to go home to my bathroom, I would have sworn it was a solid three hours. If you’d told me it was SIX, I would have believed you.

Finally, while I obviously expect Citizen Kane level realism for my children’s cartoons, nobody expects a James Bond movie plot to make sense – but this one was REALLY dumb. Bardem plays a supergenius who can take control of an entire island with a click of a button…yet all he wants is to give James Bond a beej and creep on Judy Dench for not loving him and never putting his spy reports up on the refrigerator. Though I can certainly understand someone being obsessed with Dame Judy Dench. Hubba hubba.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m out of batteries.

Karla Pacheco hates everything you love. More of her despicable opinions can be found at underthewagon.com and on twitter @THEKarlaPacheco

An ass with an AMAZING RACK!

Yes I bought two of them.

There is no reason you should ever purchase this monstrosity, but well…I’m not the boss of you. Women’s shirts are currently 15% off, use code MOTHER2013 at checkout. (And they’re not kidding about those things running small. They recommend going up a size, but if you like being able to breathe you might wanna go up two. I only went up one, because hey there boobies.)

I’m so very sorry.

Jay: “You wanna go pick up some chinese food? I found a cheaper place than Jade Dragon, but they don’t deliver.”
Me: “Just call Jade Dragon. I already took my pants off.”
Jay: “You would rather spend 30 dollars than put pants on?”
Me: “Did I stutter?”

Me:”OH MY GOD, JAY! There is pee EVERYWHERE in here!”
Jay: “WHAT? Like in the living room?”
Me: “NO! The bathroom. All over the floor!”
Jay: “Ohh, you mean MY pee. I thought you meant the dogs had peed in the living room or something. That would have been bad.”
Me: “THIS IS STILL BAD!”

Jay: “Well aren’t you just Wikipedia in a box.”
Me: “More like Wikipedia IN my box!”
Jay: “Annnd there it is.”
Me: “Because the pages stick together.”
Jay: “I’m leaving…”
Me: “Also, like a ton of people have had their had hands in it.”
Jay: “…FOREVER!”

Scenes from a Marriage Pt. 1 and Pt. 2

Well now, what’s all this???

I have a new article in the third issue of a fantastic experiment called “The Proof.” Brave Chicagoan Tom McHenry has put a lot of love and frustration into assembling a great little paper with contributions from some truly talented artists and writers.

Naturally, I decided to destroy all that goodwill by straight-up hating on a popular children’s movie and James Bond.

If you’re in Chicago, pick one a copy for free! You can also get individual issues or a subscription HERE!