The Karla Guide to Cybersex

I recently found someone who makes me a little gushy in the girl panties. However, said someone lives a jazillion miles away from said panties. Which is frustrating.

Love letters tenderly inscribed on high quality, heavyweight stationary (perhaps with those tiny wildflowers pressed into it) would make great reading material in my old age, when I could press them tight against the sagging flesh of my time-ravaged bosom. But what about the now? When I need some hard core dirty fuckin’?

Two options remained to my beau and me: Break up. Or start a rigorous routine of cybersex. Hello, my name is Karla, I’m fingering myself on the internet, and I’m GOOD at it.
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Soup At Hand, My (at) ASS

To the makers of Campbell’s “Soup at Hand”

Dear Sirs:

Holy shit. Are you kidding me?

I have seen your commercials presenting your product as an ideal choice for “Lunchers on the go.” Construction workers and commuters alike are shown enjoying the easy portability of this sippable soup. While I’m rarely “on the go,” and I own neither car nor backhoe, I was excited about trying your “Creamy Tomato” soup while at work today (I don’t own a microwave either).

Turns out I could have used a backhoe. To deal with the huge pile of disappointment.
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Inexplicable items found in the Office refrigerator

Item: A single bell pepper

Item: Full jar of garlic-dill pickle spears, prominently labeled with co-worker’s name in metallic pen (three spears later unrepentantly consumed by author)

Item: Two pound bag of very tiny limes (contents of fridge scoured for presence of something that would necessitate limes, i.e., gin, vodka, or similar to no avail.)

Item: 214 packets of Hellman’s mayonnaise

Item: 5 bottles of pancake syrup

Item: Ziplock bag of diced tomatoes

Item: Two bunches of celery (per their sharpie scribbled initials, celery and tomatoes did not belong to the same co-worker, eliminating author’s original theories of “salad making”)

Item: One and one half juice bottles stripped of their original labels (and minus any other identifying marks), containing something “brown”

Item: One unopened jar cocktail olives (Author scours fridge for possible cocktails…Turns up nothing. Checks to see if olives are pimento stuffed. They aren’t. Author eats entire damn bottle anyway.)

High Scorer

“I don’t get it,” She starts “I mean, I don’t know why I’m never even considered.”

They’re at the tiny Mexican restaurant he likes (veggie burrito for him, 2 taco dinner for her, he’ll finish her rice and beans later when she gets full), and she’s finally broached one of the reasons she suggested dinner tonight.
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Writing in the third person means you can pretend it’s not about you.

Liberation Day

“Thank you very much. You’re all set up. Have a nice day.”

With those words, she was finally free. The ATM card for the new account gripped firmly in hand (a “temporary” card, the official one would arrive in the mail in 6-10 days), she walked into the street a liberated woman.

The new bank was less than a block from her apartment. Her old bank was in the same building as her office, convenient, but not quite as handy as the new one would be. She proceeded briskly down the street, past the grocery store, the movie theater, the quaint and cozy coffee shop (for curling up with a sandwich, hot tea and a magazine) and the 24 hour corporate coffee place (all night high speed internet access!). She smiled regally at the performing arts center, the 24 hour Walgreen’s, two floral shops, the bar where the hot young 20somethings go (she qualifies as a hot young 20something for a few more years) and the quiet pub where she likes to grab a pint on a slow afternoon.

With this last step she had finally accomplished it. Living in one of the largest cities in the world, surrounded by myriad cultures and flavors, drowning in exotic restaurants, fantastic theaters, verdant parks and concert halls both rock and symphonic…She had finally managed to limit her entire world to a two-block stretch of city life. Everything she could possibly need or want…Right. There.

Sure, she’ll still have to go to work, but she moved to this neighborhood because she’s only a $5 cab ride away.

Other than that, she’ll never leave home again.

Letter to the Powers that Be

Dear Sirs,

I am hereby requesting an upgrade of my relationship status from “Placeholder” to “Standard.” While recognizing that my previous experience with Standard Relationships has been sketchy at best, I feel confident that my tenure as a professional Placeholder has given me the valuable skills to move on.
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