Scenes From a Marriage IV: BOOTY PROMISES NOTHING

Every day with you is an adventure

Jay and I are driving when “Take a Picture” by Filter begins playing on the radio

Me: I have a funny story about that song…see, Ritchie was totally shitfaced on a plane-

Jay: You tell that story every time that song comes on. I know all your stories.

Me: Hey, I can start telling you the stories I haven’t told you, but you’re not gonna like them.

Jay: Why would you tell me stories I don’t want to hear? Make up some fake stories!

“Paralyzer” by Finger Eleven is the next song on the radio

Me: Okay, so one time I DIDN’T sleep with the lead singer of this band…

Jay: Tell me the Filter story again.

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Jay texts me a picture of two adorable lesbian cosplayers

Me: Oh wow, that’s fantastic! Side note: I would totally hit that.

Jay: You’d hit so many things on your way to hit that.

Me: It’d be like a pinball game and my cooch would be on TILT!

Jay: Jesus, Karla.

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Jay and I are getting ready for our anniversary dinner. I have…had drinks…while showering. I am possibly twerking nudely across a hotel room.

Me: AW YEAH BOOTY GO POP

Jay: Booty is going to a nice restaurant. Do you think booty can behave itself for 30 damn minutes?

Me: BOOTY PROMISES NOTHING

That night I drink all of my beverages out of oversized novelty pails intended for sharing with entire tables of bachelorette parties. Jay eats his steak in silence and thinks about his bad decisions.

-fin-