[I hog the bathroom mirror, blearily dotting concealer on the enormous bags under my hungover eyes]
Jay [stepping out of the shower]: What’s that? You don’t NEED to put that on, you’re TOO PRETTY for makeup!
Me: Somebody’s been taking wife lessons! Or rather, wife-handling lessons.
Jay: Yeah, wife lessons would just be “blow job school.”
Me: Blow job school and how to make eggs.
[Jay proceeds to use my hair dryer to blow dry his balls]
Me: Sorry about that. I sat down to pee and ended up pooping by accident.
Jay: That’s fi-WOAH JESUS CHRIST NOW I SMELL IT.
Me: Yeah, you guys never have to deal with that. When you’re a lady and you leave the bathroom door open because you’re just having a pee, and then all of a sudden “Oh noes!”
Jay: Pretty sure a “lady” wouldn’t pee with the bathroom door open. Or let a smell like that come out her body.
Me: …Give me back my blow-dryer.
[Jay complains about having dry skin, so I lovingly give him a massage in the shower with my new body scrub]
Jay: Wow, that’s really nice. It’s like a full body back-scratch!
Me: I know, and it’s really mosturizing!
Jay: It is! You should do this every night.
Me: It costs $45 dollars a bottle.
Me: Hey, stop complaining. If you’d gotten this done at the spa like I did last week it would have cost you $120 bucks!
Me: I’M SAVING YOU MONEY!
Me: Can I PLEASE have my blow-dryer back?